Monday, January 24, 2011

Tracy Journal #4 & #5

"Because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved." Alma 32:13

Write about the circumstances that have compelled you to humiliy and to seek repentance. What hope does Alma give you? How can you find or recieve that hope?

I think ultimately for me, the desire to be present in my children's lives is what led me to humility. I want to be an active mom...I want to go on bike rides and go hiking and play with them at the park and to wrestle on the floor. This has been a progressive disease for me and as I've added each child to my family I feel a greater urgency to overcome it. I truly didn't realize what I was doing to myself and my family until my mother passed away. I realized that I was following in her footsteps and I didn't want to die early. I didn't want to put my kids through what I went through. I'll make enough mistakes for my kids to work through and get over without adding this giant pain and trial in their life. Once I fully realized I had a disease and an addiction, it took a lot of time spent on my knees to finally admit it. I think sometimes I try and pretend I don't have a problem and that I'm normal, but I'm not. I will never be normal. But I do find courage and hope in Alma's words. The Lord is merciful and He will help me. I know that He can change my weaknesses to strengths and that if He desires it, I can be an instrument in His hands. Christ is my Savior and He, only He, can save me.

"Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: but they that deal truly are his delight" Proverbs 12:22

Writing the answers to these questions has called for a deep level of honesty about yourself. How does this passage of scripture relate to this kind of honesty? How can you become the Lord's delight?

I think it deals with it because this kind of honesty means your dealing with "it"'re actually getting to the root of the problem. Until you can be honest, you cant' succeed in changing. What does it say in the OA getting starting passage? "those who do not revover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constiutionallly incapable of being honest with themselves." When we are able to be honest with ourselves and with others, the Lord can truly delight in His children and can bless us. I know I've already shared the story about having to tell nathan the truth of where his cookies went, but I haven't shared the story about lieing to Eddie about ice cream for pete's sake! I had bought four small pint size things of ice cream with the intent of eating them all before Eddie would get home from school. The day was much busier than I had planned on and so I forgot about them. When Eddie came home and saw the ice cream he asked where they came from. I told him a lie and said someone had dropped them off for us. I then proceeded to call that person and tell them if Eddie asked or said something to cover for me. Are you kidding me? So now not only had I lied to my husband, I was asking someone else to lie for me too. I couldn't sleep that whole night and finally told him in the morning...but gracious me it was hard to do. I was embarrassed and felt ashamed and I couldn't even eat the icecream. I just dumped it all down the drain. Eddie of course forgave me and told me that he wished I could've told him the truth from the start. And I've managed to be upfront with him even when it's hard. And I'll tell you something...I feel like there is nothing that I can't tell my husband now. He knows me. Really knows me...and somehow he still loves me. I can only imagine how much more infinitely my Savior knows me and yet, still loves me.

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