Sunday, January 23, 2011

Tracy Journal #3

"Some may regard the quality of character known as honesty to be a most ordinary subject. But I believe it to be the very essence of the gospel. Without honesty, our lives...will degenerae into ugliness and chaos." Gordon B. Hinckley

Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused "ugliness and chaos"?

It's really hard to want to talk about the things I've done. And how I've lied. It's downright shameful and embarrassing and it feels like there are two different people inside of me. The real Tracy and the one who does these other things. The truth of the matter is, I am a liar. It's easy to lie. It's easy to make excuses and rationalize things away. I've, in a moment of strong self will, thrown treats away in the trash, only to pull them out later and eat them. I've stolen my children's halloween candy and eaten ALL OF IT! I've bought a LOT of fast food and generally throw away the wrappers in someone else's garbage can so Eddie won't see it. I've done the whole "hide the wrapper inside of something else" trick so it won't show in the trash can. I've seen my children learn from experience that if they don't scarf down their cookie/treat then there probably won't be any the next day...or even later that same day. I've gotten really good at eating normal in front of other people and then when on my own, going crazy. Really, the list could go on.

The funny thing is, I never realized that my behaviors would have any effect on anyone else. I truthfully didn't see how my actions were affecting those around me. I never really thought of it as "lying" before. I really, honestly, had no idea how disillusioned I was. I was living in my own little reality and I had no idea there was the possiblity of a different one...the REAL one. This program has honestly helped me to see that. That ugliness that President Hinckley was talking about is on the inside and that choas is on the inside. And more often than not, that chaos and ugliness shows itself in my environment. When I'm out of control and participating in my addiction, it is clear to see that I'm not right with the Lord.

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