Monday, January 24, 2011

Sab Journal 3

"Some may regard the quality of character known as honesty to be a most ordinary subject. But I believe it to be the very essence of the gospel. Without honesty, our lives...will degenerae into ugliness and chaos." Gordon B. Hinckley

Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused "ugliness and chaos"?

Oy vey. This is hard for me. I got really good at the throwing away game: gas stations were key with this. I would eat, then throw it away at the gas station before I got home. When David and I shared a car in Utah, this was key. I lied about where I got money for the food, I lied about getting food, I even lied about where the weight I was gaining came from. I lied to myself, and to David, and to others. I have become the queen of self-rationalizing. When they talk in OA about the people who can't be honest with themselves, and those are the people who don't succeed, I worry this is me. David and I are trying to be honest with each other more, and he is much more honest with me than I am with him. I have so much I haven't told him because I am ashamed. . . not about past stuff, but about food stuff. Its ridiculous that I had no problem telling him about moral issues in my past, but when it comes to food, I can't for the life of me bring myself to tell him what a horrible person I am. I know I will have to, and I have started to, but it just kills me to think of how he will think of me after I tell him. Knowing him, he'll be accepting and wonderful, but it just scares me.

Ugliness and Chaos: ugh. In every way in my life it is like this when I lie. I feel terrible inside. It eats at me. I plan the perfect moments to come clean . . . and then let them slip on by. The longer I wait the harder it is, and the harder it is, the longer I want to wait. Its a vicious cycle. And its all an inner struggle for me. The only way it seeps to the outside is when I eat and feel ugly on the outside from eating so much that I gain weight. Its amazing to me that David still loves me with all this extra weight to love. I am finally getting a control on the outer stuff, I just really need to work on the inner. Which is harder, I think.

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